Once again, it’s my favorite time of the year – the start of the REAL hockey season! Confirmed Wingnuts like myself are gearing up to face our greatest collective fear (the hot, unproven playoff goaltender), and like others are stocking our fridges with two months’ worth of our favorite twelve-ounce hockey juice. And of course, placing our wagers on who we think will skate the Cup in June. What follows below are my picks to advance past Round One. Fellow prognosticators, be warned – I have the NHL Center Ice Package on cable, and I’ve seen practically every game from every team this season. Therefore, my predictions are based on the facts – these are not simply asinine regurgitations of mere opinions from TV “geniuses” like Don Cherry and Barry Melrose. Consider it Gospel, people!
Disclaimer: Those of you who have followed my predictions in past seasons will no doubt recall that optimal results have been obtained by carefully considering my predictions, then doubling-down on the opposite if you actually want to make any money. But this year, it’ll be different! I promise!
Eastern Conference
(1) Boston vs. (8) Montreal
This is the year that the B’s finally break their playoff hex against the Habs. Montreal’s defense is just too banged up to hold Boston off for an entire series, and they can’t count on stand-on-your-head goaltending to bail them out.
Boston in five.
(2) Washington vs. (7) NY Rangers
The Antics Series. While all the talk initially will be about Avery’s typical attempts to throw the Caps off their game, the last laugh will be had by @Ovie8 who, after scoring the series-clincher in overtime, will do a full pirouette, a handstand, climb the glass, and finally drop his pants and direct a full, hairy moon in Mr Avery’s direction.
Caps in five.
(3) New Jersey vs. (6) Carolina
Once again, the ‘Canes just seem to have New Jersey’s number in the playoffs. Cam Ward plays like he wants to prove that his 2006 Conn Smythe was no fluke, while Mar-Tan plays like he has nothing left to prove, period.
Carolina in six.
(4) Pittsburgh vs. (5) Philadelphia
Does anyone honestly think that the league and Mr. Bettman will allow their marketing investment, cash cow, and Face of The Game to suffer an early exit in these difficult economic times?
Crosbies in six.
Western Conference
(1) San Jose vs. (8) Anaheim
Lots of questions here: Does Claude Lemieux’s playoff history cancel out Patrick Marleau’s? Does Joe Thornton finally figure it out? Does George Parros grow a playoff beard worthy to match his epic ’stache? Anaheim will make it a streetfight and physically beat the living shit out of the Sharks, but will ultimately run out of depth.
Sharks in seven.
(2) Detroit vs. (7) Columbus
I’ll give Detroit the benefit of the doubt in round one against a first-time playoff opponent, but I don’t buy that crap about them “flipping the switch” and suddenly reversing an entire season of bad habits, sloppy defense, turnovers, and sketchy goaltending.
Wings in six.
(3) Vancouver vs. (6) St. Louis
Two of the best teams in the second half of the season. I have a feeling that whichever one gets the early upper hand will make it a short series. Don’t ask me why – it’s just a feeling, dammit. And that feeling says…
Blues in five.
(4) Chicago vs. (5) Calgary
About six weeks ago, I went public on Twitter saying that the road to the Western Conference title goes through Calgary. Naturally, that was the exact moment at which the Flames started to tank. But I’ll man-up and own my words – no going back now.
Flames in seven.
Comments are open – don’t pass up this opportunity to tell me how brilliant/ignorant I am!
Image: The Stanley Cup, by co-conspirator on flickr.
